Quantum Freedom

Quantum particles interacting with each other.

I like quantum particles. I like them because of their weirdness.

You see, before quantum theory, one of the prevailing ideas of classical physics is that if you know all of the circumstances in which an event takes place, you can predict with 100% certainty what will happen in the future in perpetuam. Meteorologists with enough information could predict whether or not it will rain on your birthday three years from now. Gambling wouldn't work, because given a careful analysis of the conditions in which a game was played or dice were thrown would, after some pretty heavy computation, be obvious. (And if you want to know more about that, I got it from this book.)

It doesn't take a great leap to realize that though our thoughts and actions can seem spontaneous, the mechanism that produces those thoughts and actions is made up of the same elements a star makes when it explodes (Did you know most of the stuff in the universe is created when stars go supernova?) and must also follow the laws of physics. Predicting, directing, and manipulating the way we think and act is child's play to most people--we do it unconsciously. Marketing and advertising professionals do it purposefully, sometimes to great effect. Teachers do it, parents do it, governments do it--it is not a secret that even our most private thoughts and impulses can be strongly influenced by outside control.

We know that certain chemicals in the brain react with our neurons to create these impulses and that we react to stimuli we receive through photons bouncing off objects and hitting our retina, molecules vibrating across distances and twiddling our eardrums, etc. Even our motivations can be traced back to physics: what is life but elements bound together in a specific way and charged by electricity?

So, if all existence, and all reality is simply dominos flicked over by whatever caused the Big Bang, where is our free will? If all can be predicted via logical cause-and-effect, what says that we have any control over what we do at all?

Here is where I am reassured by the quantum theory: uncertainty.

Werner Heisenberg

You have probably heard of Heisenberg's uncertainty principle. It says that you can not know simultaneously two measurements of a particle. You can know how fast it's going or where it is, not both. This sounds completely counter intuitive, because you can open up the map app on your smartphone and see a little blue dot with an arrow that shows you where you are and how fast you are moving. But YOU are not a quantum particle. And quantum particles are...well, they're a bit different. They follow their own physics. Scientists haven't yet figured out why tiny things follow different rules than big things, but there it is, clear as day: quantum particles are flakey, flighty, odd little creatures.

So, a slight departure to illustrate a point. If a tree falls in a forest and there is no one to hear it, does it make a noise? Intuition says "Of course, you can't stop a tree from making noise as it falls. You can't stop the vibrations as it falls through the air and the leaves and branches jostle each other." And that is most likely true. But if it is a quantum tree, the answer is no! Quantum particles do not have a position before their position is measured. They are only more probably in a certain location than others.

So you can't reliably predict when or where a quantum particle is. You can only find the probability that it is in a certain place.

Aha!

So maybe that uncertainty doesn't trickle up and allow us free will. But it is enough to reassure me that not all of nature is predestined. I am not just a domino who thinks it is choosing to fall at a certain time and in a certain direction. There is true randomness in the universe. And that's all I need.
 

The Trials of Katniss

Jennifer Lawrence

I am sure you're wondering why I have a random beautiful girl on the side of this post. Who is this person? Why is she on Amanda's blog? Where have I seen her before?

Well, I will satisfy your curiosity presently.

It's Katniss!

This is Jennifer Lawrence and she will be playing Katniss in the Hunger Games movie. She was nominated for an Oscar this year for Winter's Bone, and if she doesn't really look like the practical, ruthless, skillful, compassionate, faithful Katniss you imagined, just pull up some of the pictures from that movie.

Your faith will be restored.

I have really high hopes for the Hunger Games movie. My one big concern is that they'll do what they did to The Golden Compass and miss the entire point. I hope it doesn't look or feel like Twilight. There is going to be a pretty girl torn between two different and worthy guys, but Katniss is NOT Bella, and I hope that they don't portray her as some romantic damsel. She is NOT romantic. All of the romance in the books comes from Gale and Peeta, NOT Katniss. But Jennifer Lawrence can play it well, I think. I saw the clips from Winter's Bone, and she looked awesome. If she's tough like that, she'll make a good Katniss.

The actors for Gale and Peeta have been cast too, and I am pleased so far, although I have never seen the movies they're in. From their photos, I think they are a good foil for each other. The actor who plays Gale is kind of exotically beautiful, and the one who plays Peeta is kind of down-home beautiful. Gale and Peeta both have their strengths, and they are both good people. They have hard decisions to make, and they do the best they can, even when they make mistakes. I like the dichotomy of the two. In the books, I waver back and forth between favoring them just like Katniss does.

I am sure you have read The Hunger Games, but just to be safe:
SPOILER ALERT.

It's different for Katniss though. She is unromantic. She is practical. She has always been accustomed to putting survival first. I'm a lot luckier. I don't usually have to wonder whether I'm going to survive. Things that threaten my are usually beyond my control: the chance that an airplane I'm on might fall out of the sky, for example. No one can defend themselves against catastrophe.

But of course, I don't live in a post-apocalyptic version of the world. My strength is not continually tested. Sometimes I wish it were, and others, I'm just glad I live in a fairly stable world. On the one hand, I would like to prove to myself that I'm not completely useless. I would like to win a fight, scheme my way out of danger, be determined the fittest in a life or death crucible. On the other hand, I am just glad I don't have to.

One of the reasons I love the Hunger Games trilogy is that I can expound upon it like this. Another strong reason I love them is because it challenges my morals. It challenges what I find acceptable. Katniss is placed in a terrible situation, and she has to make some gut wrenching choices. For her, the choice is constantly between the lesser of two evils. Her position in her world is always precarious. She is balanced on knife's edge all the time. And yet she finds ways to be compassionate in her compassionless world.

In the arena, every person is a danger. No one can possibly be your ally, because every person must be your enemy. Katniss and Peeta solve this in the only way possible: A stalemate fueled by compassion. It was incredibly brave. And had a low chance of success. Most people wouldn't be strong enough to resist the temptation of a rules-devoid battle to the death, especially if you were among the last few. If you killed a few of your opponents, and began to have faith in yourself, if you thought, once, "I could win this. I could survive. I could beat all of the other people." You might be sucked into the glory of it all. A gladiatorial glory. A fight that previously filled you with terror now fills you with power. You feel like you could survive anybody. Bring em' on, and you'll lay them out. I am convinced that Katniss could have prevailed in the arena. But she chose not to.

Looking back with our 20/20 hindsight, and our detached, objective view, it seems obvious that this is the answer. But if we were experiencing it (as we do, from Katniss' eyes, in the present tense, while reading the book) how many of us would make the right decision?

Hard to know.

But I am glad none of us ever have to find out.

"I spread out my fingers, and the dark berries glisten in the sun. I give Peeta's hand one last squeeze as a signal, as a good-bye, and we begin counting. "One." Maybe I'm wrong. "Two." Maybe they don't care if we both die. "Three!" It's too late to change my mind. I lift my hand to m mouth, taking one last look at the world. The berries have just passed my lips when the trumpets begin to blare." - The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins

How to Get a Life

It's funny.

I spend a lot of time watching other people do things that I want to do. I'm not quite nerdy enough to write on the public interwebs that I would like to go questing or adventuring, and I'm far too wimpy to put myself in any real danger, but a lot of the satisfaction that I get from things like World of Warcraft and fantasy books, TV, and movies comes from imagining myself in the positions of the characters.

Watching people being active, fighting for something, having fun, being in danger, being excellent at what they do is all fine and good, but I feel like I'm becoming some raging voyeur of their lives. My life is so BORING. It seems like there just aren't many options for having fun. Well, there are options, of course, but you need money to do it.

Money.

[insert useless ramblings about the evil constriction of money]

And that is a useless argument because I know that it is not a reason, it is an excuse. I can not blame my lack of money on my lack of life.

And fun is not the only thing I need. I need purpose.

There is a disconnect between what I feel like "living" is and what I feel like I am able to do. I feel like I should have a destination, that I should be searching for something, that I should be working toward something. And I feel like "working" should feel like moving forward. I should feel the wind on my cheeks as I move.

But I am trapped here. I'm super-glued to my chair. I have no money. I have no confidence in my skills. I am afraid to jump into the deep end. But it is more than that. I don't know where the deep end is. I can't find my way to the pool. How does one begin living?

Okay, first, I know I have to get out of the house, physically. But go where? Where am I welcome with no money? Where can I get on foot?

The library? The park? Where does life happen? Bars? Starbucks? Work?

What do I do? What do I want to do? How do I do it? What is meaningful?

I am lonely. I crave friendship. But how do I make friends? It seems instinctual, easy. But I meet people, and I do not get close to them. I like them well enough, but it has been a long time since I have felt friendship form. I have many acquaintances, but very few of those acquaintances change into friendships.

It seems as though everything is a sham. I feel like I need to dive into the earth. Find something real. Find some happy medium between material girl and hippie.

I feel the need to run. Drive. Get out here. Find something worth finding. Do something worth doing. But what would that achieve? Is that living?

Maybe the season inspires my restlessness. Discontent. Spring should bring things of value. I feel like I'm bursting with restlessness. I didn't sleep last night. Not until this morning, until I was exhausted. Slept through the day, woke, watched TV, plated some WoW, ate Chinese food, read a book. It's night now and Gordon is asleep on the couch.

Another day wasted.

Perhaps I'll have better luck tomorrow.

Spring Cleaning

Well, my last post was about a zillion years ago, but I've decided to restart it.

A couple of months ago, I quit my job for a variety of reasons. But I wanted to see if I could be a house wife. I wanted to see if I would get satisfaction from keeping house and having time to read and write. I was frustrated that my job took up so much of my time and didn't provide the same amount of satisfaction. I was not content.

So I quit my job, came home, and...did nothing. Not a damn thing. See, (and I knew this about myself before I quit,) I am not very self motivated. Given the choice between watching TV and cleaning the house, guess what I am going to do nine times out of ten? For me, freedom ≠ happiness. Or productivity. Or really, anything of value.

The nastiness about this is that I know this about myself. I know that there is a danger that I won't do anything. It is difficult for me to be productive. When I spend a moment and force myself to think about why this is, I come back to an odd feeling.

Pride.

It's not quite as easy as saying it's beneath me to do chores. Or even to put things away when I'm done with them. It's more of a feeling that I have more important things to do. This all happens lightning fast in my head, but I'll consider myself doing something simple. A simple, painless task like putting my dishes in the dishwasher. And the progression kind of goes like this:

I should put this away.
I could not put this away though.
Instead, I could just put this in the sink and be done with it.
But I SHOULD put this away.
But I don't have to.
But I should.
But it's so much faster just to stick it in the sink.
Not SO much faster. Why NOT put it in the dishwasher?
I don't want to. Why do you get to tell me what to do?
Well, it's what you're SUPPOSED to do.
Who cares?
I don't, you just should.
Well, I don't wanna.
Well, okay then.
Okay.

And I put it in the sink. Now, obviously, I don't do this all in words. It's a quick pushing-pulling feeling that almost always ends in me doing whatever is easiest.

Aha. Easy.

Well, seeking out the easiest path is smart for something like a river, which always takes the easiest course, but for me, it just says to me that I'm lazy. Lazy as hell.

Welcome to the next phase of my day: guilt. For me, guilt is not a motivator. Guilt breeds guilt. Guilt does not mean that I feel bad, and next time, put the dish in the dishwasher. Guilt, for me, means avoidance. This means that next time I should put a dish away, I don't get a push and pull feeling. I'm just resigned to being a failure.

Hey, self loathing. Didn't see you there. Come in, come in, make yourself at home. I'm about to host a pity party. Stick around.

It makes me ill.

So I started searching for a job, and I've had a few interviews; it's looking pretty promising actually.

But I know that work is not a cure. Work keeps me busy enough not to worry too much about the above. But it's still there. It's beneath everything that causes me to be discontent. It's beneath all of my unhappiness. My disappointment in myself.

I know that I am the only one who can fix myself. And that it does not happen without hard work. I have been trying to tell myself, "I can control myself. If I know I have to do something, I can make myself do it. I am not a slave." It feels like I have a little angel and devil on my shoulder, and the devil wins out every time. I'm weak. But how do you get stronger? You work out. You work your muscles. Lately I have been trying to force myself to be productive, you know, mind over matter. But it's hard. I'm fighting myself the whole way.

Which sounds ridiculous. Why fight myself? I AM myself! I am on my side! Why am I getting in my own way?

I'm not sure. And I'm not sure that it matters. I think a lot of my problem is over thinking. I got a bunch done today, and I didn't think much about it. I just did it. I vacuumed. I did laundry. I straightened up and dusted. I didn't think about it or worry over it. There was no push and pull. Just productivity. Pride. Good mood. Satisfaction.

So maybe right now, I should just try to get out of my head for a while. Stop thinking. Start doing. Stop worrying it. Like Lyra in the Golden Compass looking for answers with the alethiometer. The alethiometer does not give answers if you prod at it. You just be patient, wait for the symbols to fall into place.

Tomorrow, I'm not going to plan anything. I'm not going to lay in bed and think about how I can be all productive. I'm just going to sleep and in the morning....who knows?

We'll see.

Till next time.