I spend a lot of time watching other people do things that I want to do. I'm not quite nerdy enough to write on the public interwebs that I would like to go questing or adventuring, and I'm far too wimpy to put myself in any real danger, but a lot of the satisfaction that I get from things like World of Warcraft and fantasy books, TV, and movies comes from imagining myself in the positions of the characters.
Watching people being active, fighting for something, having fun, being in danger, being excellent at what they do is all fine and good, but I feel like I'm becoming some raging voyeur of their lives. My life is so BORING. It seems like there just aren't many options for having fun. Well, there are options, of course, but you need money to do it.
[insert useless ramblings about the evil constriction of money]
And that is a useless argument because I know that it is not a reason, it is an excuse. I can not blame my lack of money on my lack of life.
And fun is not the only thing I need. I need purpose.
There is a disconnect between what I feel like "living" is and what I feel like I am able to do. I feel like I should have a destination, that I should be searching for something, that I should be working toward something. And I feel like "working" should feel like moving forward. I should feel the wind on my cheeks as I move.
But I am trapped here. I'm super-glued to my chair. I have no money. I have no confidence in my skills. I am afraid to jump into the deep end. But it is more than that. I don't know where the deep end is. I can't find my way to the pool. How does one begin living?
Okay, first, I know I have to get out of the house, physically. But go where? Where am I welcome with no money? Where can I get on foot?
The library? The park? Where does life happen? Bars? Starbucks? Work?
What do I do? What do I want to do? How do I do it? What is meaningful?
I am lonely. I crave friendship. But how do I make friends? It seems instinctual, easy. But I meet people, and I do not get close to them. I like them well enough, but it has been a long time since I have felt friendship form. I have many acquaintances, but very few of those acquaintances change into friendships.
It seems as though everything is a sham. I feel like I need to dive into the earth. Find something real. Find some happy medium between material girl and hippie.
I feel the need to run. Drive. Get out here. Find something worth finding. Do something worth doing. But what would that achieve? Is that living?
Maybe the season inspires my restlessness. Discontent. Spring should bring things of value. I feel like I'm bursting with restlessness. I didn't sleep last night. Not until this morning, until I was exhausted. Slept through the day, woke, watched TV, plated some WoW, ate Chinese food, read a book. It's night now and Gordon is asleep on the couch.
Another day wasted.
Perhaps I'll have better luck tomorrow.