Spring Cleaning

Well, my last post was about a zillion years ago, but I've decided to restart it.

A couple of months ago, I quit my job for a variety of reasons. But I wanted to see if I could be a house wife. I wanted to see if I would get satisfaction from keeping house and having time to read and write. I was frustrated that my job took up so much of my time and didn't provide the same amount of satisfaction. I was not content.

So I quit my job, came home, and...did nothing. Not a damn thing. See, (and I knew this about myself before I quit,) I am not very self motivated. Given the choice between watching TV and cleaning the house, guess what I am going to do nine times out of ten? For me, freedom ≠ happiness. Or productivity. Or really, anything of value.

The nastiness about this is that I know this about myself. I know that there is a danger that I won't do anything. It is difficult for me to be productive. When I spend a moment and force myself to think about why this is, I come back to an odd feeling.

Pride.

It's not quite as easy as saying it's beneath me to do chores. Or even to put things away when I'm done with them. It's more of a feeling that I have more important things to do. This all happens lightning fast in my head, but I'll consider myself doing something simple. A simple, painless task like putting my dishes in the dishwasher. And the progression kind of goes like this:

I should put this away.
I could not put this away though.
Instead, I could just put this in the sink and be done with it.
But I SHOULD put this away.
But I don't have to.
But I should.
But it's so much faster just to stick it in the sink.
Not SO much faster. Why NOT put it in the dishwasher?
I don't want to. Why do you get to tell me what to do?
Well, it's what you're SUPPOSED to do.
Who cares?
I don't, you just should.
Well, I don't wanna.
Well, okay then.
Okay.

And I put it in the sink. Now, obviously, I don't do this all in words. It's a quick pushing-pulling feeling that almost always ends in me doing whatever is easiest.

Aha. Easy.

Well, seeking out the easiest path is smart for something like a river, which always takes the easiest course, but for me, it just says to me that I'm lazy. Lazy as hell.

Welcome to the next phase of my day: guilt. For me, guilt is not a motivator. Guilt breeds guilt. Guilt does not mean that I feel bad, and next time, put the dish in the dishwasher. Guilt, for me, means avoidance. This means that next time I should put a dish away, I don't get a push and pull feeling. I'm just resigned to being a failure.

Hey, self loathing. Didn't see you there. Come in, come in, make yourself at home. I'm about to host a pity party. Stick around.

It makes me ill.

So I started searching for a job, and I've had a few interviews; it's looking pretty promising actually.

But I know that work is not a cure. Work keeps me busy enough not to worry too much about the above. But it's still there. It's beneath everything that causes me to be discontent. It's beneath all of my unhappiness. My disappointment in myself.

I know that I am the only one who can fix myself. And that it does not happen without hard work. I have been trying to tell myself, "I can control myself. If I know I have to do something, I can make myself do it. I am not a slave." It feels like I have a little angel and devil on my shoulder, and the devil wins out every time. I'm weak. But how do you get stronger? You work out. You work your muscles. Lately I have been trying to force myself to be productive, you know, mind over matter. But it's hard. I'm fighting myself the whole way.

Which sounds ridiculous. Why fight myself? I AM myself! I am on my side! Why am I getting in my own way?

I'm not sure. And I'm not sure that it matters. I think a lot of my problem is over thinking. I got a bunch done today, and I didn't think much about it. I just did it. I vacuumed. I did laundry. I straightened up and dusted. I didn't think about it or worry over it. There was no push and pull. Just productivity. Pride. Good mood. Satisfaction.

So maybe right now, I should just try to get out of my head for a while. Stop thinking. Start doing. Stop worrying it. Like Lyra in the Golden Compass looking for answers with the alethiometer. The alethiometer does not give answers if you prod at it. You just be patient, wait for the symbols to fall into place.

Tomorrow, I'm not going to plan anything. I'm not going to lay in bed and think about how I can be all productive. I'm just going to sleep and in the morning....who knows?

We'll see.

Till next time.